The Back-to-Work Jitters

I'm getting the back to work jitters. Maternity leave is coming to an end sooner than I want to admit. SIGH.

I have already notified work that I intend to return to work in January after just 8 months of my maternity leave and with every day that passes I am becoming more and more aware that January is just around the corner. The days are slipping away faster and faster. Before I know it, Holly will be in nursery 4 days a week and I will be back to the grindstone. ANOTHER SIGH.

The cash flow is running dry and without some major life changes, I don't have much choice but to return to work in the New Year. I loved my job. I guess I still do. I have been "keeping in touch" with my team and my manager and regularly refreshing my skills (which is vital in the fast-moving world of technology) but it is hard to get enthusiastic about work right now.

Every day I look at Holly and it does make me question whether going back to work is the right decision. I love her to bits and each time I go through this mental turmoil a tear nearly makes it to my eye. I give her a big kiss on the top of her head and remind myself that I went through exactly the same feelings with my now 3-and-a-half-year-old girl. I remind myself that actually, once I was back at work, it didn't feel weird at all and that my daughters will get opportunities for fun, learning and social skills that I could (or is that would?) never offer them as a SAHM.

So now I am cramming in as many activities as possible into my last couple of months of maternity leave. Baby yoga, baby music lessons, coffee mornings, walks in the park, messy play, cookery and fun days out with both of my girls to make the most of our days together. Maternity leave is certainly a very different way of life to my "normal" working days.

But, as we enjoy each day I can't help feeling that there is a great big ticking clock lurking behind me counting down to my return to work after maternity leave. GREAT BIG SIGH.

I want life to slow down

I want life to slow down.  I NEED life to slow down.  I can't believe how quickly Holly is growing up; she isn't a tiny newborn any more and that scares me.  Before I know it, my maternity leave will be over and I will be back at work.

Last Friday I worked.  Actual proper in-the-office work.  I'll admit that it felt good and not only because it gave me a whole day away from the constant barrage of conversation that is Lara.  I felt like I achieved something - it was a very productive day and it felt a bit like life was normal again.  As normal as it ever can be after becoming a parent.  Friday was one of my KIT (keeping in touch) days.  I don't intend to return to work full time until into the new year but I genuinely do want to keep in touch.

Friday did also highlight to me how far down the line of maternity leave I really am.  Holly is 15 weeks old today.  She is beginning to lose her dependence on me and enjoys other people's company a lot.  I am still breastfeeding her but she does know how to take a bottle (if still somewhat grudingly) and delights in the company of both sets of grandparents which is handy for when I need a babysitter!  Before I know it, Holly will be weaning, crawling, talking, walking, telling me off for not singing the right words to her favourite songs.  Sigh, her life seems to be rushing by and I can't catch up.

Holly is growing quickly.  She is still nowhere near as big as her older sister ever was, but after feeding like a baby possessed during our holiday, she has now moved out of all her 0-3 month clothes and is definitely now into 3-6 month ones (or bigger if she is wearing a particularly bulky reusable nappy).  Holly has character now - she is a little monkey and I enjoy playing with her.  I'm aware that when Lara is at home Holly doesn't get quite as much playing, reading or singing as I want to give her, but on days when it is just the two of us, we have a lot of fun together.

I don't want this fun to end.  I'm enjoying myself.  I love going to meet other mummies, visiting my family during the day, chilling out with Holly in the garden and taking sneaky naps in the afternoon.  I don't want this to end.

But...On the other hand, I do want to go back to work.  You know me, I love what I do (and I need the money).

It's a funny old thing - The conundrum of the working mum.

For the time being, I just want life to slow down so that I can enjoy every single moment of my maternity leave with Holly.

The Solitude of Maternity Leave

Lots of people see the break from work that maternity leave offers as a chance to build (or indeed rebuild) friendships with other mummies and to get out of the house to socialise.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the change in scenery that maternity leave offers me - it is great to be able to meet up with women rather than being surrounded by guys like I am at work.  However, one of the things I enjoy most about maternity leave is the solitude.  This is my chance to find quiet, quality time to spend with just me and Holly.

I now have three groups of mummies I regularly meet up with as well as friends and family.  I spend Mondays and Thursdays with both my girls (Thursday is still "Lara Day" and I take her swimming).  I am also trying to swim myself and, before the school holiday,s I was taking Holly to music classes and baby yoga.  After the normal admin and chores that doesn't leave very much time for just me and Holly to sit peacefully in the living room and stare lovingly into each others eyes, does it?

Maybe I'm unusual to crave silence?  I don't think so.  The chance to sit quietly in my own home without the whirlwind of a 3-year-old crashing about is such a rare thing that I savour every moment I spend with just Holly while she is still gurgling and immobile.  I love being able to grab a sneaky coffee while she sleeps or to quickly scribble a blog post (like I am doing now).  I secretly enjoy being able to watch TV when I want without being subjected to either Sky Sports, the Disney Channel or Nick Jr.

I don't feel like I need to fill my days with "fun" or "interactive" things to do with Holly.  In fact, I'm already slightly regretting signing up to the new terms for our two activities together.  I don't feel like I need to meet up with friends in order to go for a peaceful walk with the pram.  Life is pretty good when it is just me and Holly.

Sometimes I fancy just curling up on my bed with Holly and staring up at the ceiling until we both drift gently off to sleep.  I know it would never happen like that but I can dream, can't I?

My Childcare Conundrum - How I Chose a Childminder (or two)

I return to work from maternity leave in six weeks time. I can't believe how quickly the last five months have disappeared. Back in June, when I left work, it seemed like a lifetime away but all too soon I had to start looking for childcare, ready for my return to work in the new year. As the name of my blog suggests, I'm pretty calm when it comes to being a mummy, but I can honestly say that the search for childcare for my little girl has been the most stressful part of motherhood so far – there have been late nights, tears and tantrums. But now, thankfully, I think I have finally found a placement with two childminders, an arrangement that really works for me and for my daughter.

I guess it doesn't help that the hubbie and I completely changed our minds about what type of childcare we were looking for. We had always thought that we wanted to send our little girl to nursery from 7 months because she'd benefit from being around other babies and for having some structure to her day. We visited 5 nurseries which I had chose from the OFSTED website (http://www.ofsted.gov.uk/oxcare_providers/list) based on location and on their latest OFSTED reports. None of them wowed us. They were fine, nothing more, nothing less and I failed to get excited about them. Back in July/August we put our names down on two waiting lists and sat back to do just that.... wait.

During the summer, my path crossed that of a local childminder (I happened to offer her some stuff to through Freegle); she was a lovely woman with an OFSTED grade of 'outstanding' who, despite not having any vacancies, invited me round for a cuppa to tell me all about the benefits of using a childminder. In that one afternoon, I was a convert. I felt I could have left Lara with her there and then!

In October, I started trying to find a childminder of a similar calibre to the first lady I had met. Its hard to find out a childminder's current OFSTED grading without first contacting them. Childminders aren't listed by name on the OFSTED website, only by their registration number. The information that each childminder publishes about themselves in the material that local councils or vacancy websites provide is often vague and rarely includes their OFSTED number. For me, I decided the best approach was to contact them, decide whether I liked them, and then to go back and find out whether OFSTED agreed. Most of the women I met were graded 'good'. Not surprisingly, the 'outstanding' childminders rarely have vacancies... and when they do, they go extremely quickly.

I suspect I had been a little bit spoiled by meeting such a well-respected, accomplished childminder at the beginning of my journey because many of the childminders I have since been on to meet have been so far away from my ideal that it gives me the shivers just thinking about it...

• … the geezer mum whose teenage daughter and granddaughter lounged on the sofa all day with the kids in front of TV (I didn't spot a single book in the house).


• … the woman in the hand-knitted cardi and crimpline trousers, sent from GOD who expressed no interest in my daughter, and seemed more interested in reminding me how unfortunate she was to be a single mum.


• … the desperate woman whose house was a building site (and it didn't look like the DIY would be complete any time soon) who had a huuuuuge dog who was able to jump as high as me!


• … the ancient woman whose house was packed full of delicate ornaments, was heated to at least 40 degrees centigrade and into whose living room was squeezed the largest TV I've ever set eyes on (actually, that's probably what was heating the house up, come to think of it).

In total, I contacted 41 different childminders in two different regions (close to work vs. close to home). I visited 10 of them. After eliminating all of the women who couldn't do the days or hours I needed, and rejecting any who were clearly round the bend; I finally found the woman I KNEW deep down was right for my little girl. I think you just KNOW the minute you meet someone, or step into a premises, be it a nursery or someone else's house, that this is it... the one you've been looking for.

The childminder I chose, couldn't work on a Friday. It was regrettable, but I figured that if I had found the right person, then I could explore other options for that one day a week even though I really really didn't want to get involved with the complications of family members babysitting. I still had one lady to visit so didn't sign on the dotted line there and then (although from previous experiences where I had got home from a visit to find an email saying the place had now been taken, I had been sorely tempted). That weekend I received a panicked call from the childminder saying she didn't think she could take the job; that she was struggling with the school run and didn't think that she'd be able to cope with a small baby in tow. I was gutted. I got very emotional. Then I chilled out; after all, there's no point in sending your child to a minder who can't keep them safe 100% of the time, or who can't offer them all the attention they need.

Co-incidentally, the same day, I was offered a place at one of the two nurseries I had signed up to way back in the summer. The place they offered me was for the wrong days of the week and they seemed a bit taken aback when I turned them down, saying I couldn't and wouldn't change the one day of the week that I take off work. Bonkers.

By this point I was getting a bit desperate. Thoughts did cross my mind about postponing my return to work. I stuck it out though and visited the last childminder on my list - she was also lovely, but also couldn't work all of the days that I needed. She proposed a job share... and do you know who she suggested she could do it with? Yup, the lady I had previously set my heart on. The two ladies live very close and had been chatting at the school gates. Between them they worked out that they could provide me all the days I was looking for and that at two days per week each, neither of them would get too stressed with having to handle a small baby as well as their other children.

So that's it, I've got an arrangement for the new year which works out wonderfully. My little girl will spend two days a week with two different childminders from two very different backgrounds; she'll get to mix with two different families, two different groups of children, two different approaches to childminding. And the best thing (and I know this sounds silly of me) - neither childminder gets to spend more days of the week with my little girl than I do! Genius.

The lessons I've learned on my travels? Start early, explore all your options, choose what's right for you, and keep at it – something will come along eventually. Also, don't be distracted by the OFSTED ratings, they aren't always up to date and can't give you a good idea of whether the childminder or nursery is right for you – nothing can compare to meeting a person face-to-face. I've checked both of my ladies out since signing my contracts just to make sure that OFSTED generally agree with my judgement, and I'm happy that there are no niggly things they noticed that I didn't pick up on. I'll update you in the new year with how things go.

If you're on the hunt for childcare yourself, the best place to start is your local authority childrens information centre who should be able to provide you with a list of child carers who may or may not have vacancies. You can also try http://www.findababysitter.com/ or http://www.childcare.co.uk/ .