Hawes & Curtis - The Professional Me

This is Me.  The professional Me. The working mum, Me.

Truth be told, my job doesn't really require me to dress up.  Not even smart casual.  Most days, the working Me is a Jeans-and-a-baggy-top type of Me.  But I've just been promoted so maybe now I need to start taking things a bit more seriously and dress the part of a Software Development Lead?

Hawes & Curtis make Ladies fashion shirts like this groovy stripey one.  Some of their shirts are quite formal, ideal for a smart office job.  Others, like these fashion shirts are a bit more casual and I could even see myself wearing this at the weekend.

When I was asked to give my thoughts on the range, I chose this Ladies Red & Purple Multi Stripe Classic Fit Cotton Shirt.  It has a single cuff because I didn't feel like my job quite yet warranted a double-cuff with cufflinks!

I loved the bright yet feminine colour scheme - pinks and purples are definitely the theme in my work wardrobe at present.  The classic shirt is quite a loose fit, which is perfect because it makes me feel mellow and not uptight and feels more like my traditional work attire.  It is ever so slightly shaped at the back with two small darts to pull it in around the waist.

When Lara first laid eyes on the shirt she couldn't quite believe it was for me.  I rather suspect that Lara has never seen me wear a shirt for work.  The funny thing is that before I became a Mum I did dress up specially for work.  I started my current job about 2.5 years before Lara came into my life and would still make an effort each morning for work even though I am not customer facing in any way.  But, since becoming a mum I've blended in more with the guys that I work with and I don't normally have the time or the inclination to dress to impress.  Mornings are about survival these days.

But, last year I made myself a new year's resolution to take my career more seriously and I think it has paid off.  I really threw myself into my job when I returned from maternity leave after baby number two and 12 months on I managed to get the promotion I have been aiming for, for several years.

So maybe this is the new Me.  The smart Me. The boss.

The back-to-work balance : My tips for House of Fraser

Sharing my tips on the House of Fraser blog

The perfect combination of work and parenting sometimes seems an unreachable balance. It’s what all parents find a struggle and settling back in to work life after family festivities can be daunting.

This is why House of Fraser asked me to give my perspective on making the most of time and getting that balance just right!

Every parent will have different priorities and ideas, but my own tip was to make the most of weekends:-

Even after 4 years as a working mum, occasionally I feel I’m missing out on valuable time with my daughters. When I’m feeling down, I remind myself that my career defines me nearly as much as motherhood and I find a little extra mummy-time such as an evening baking extravaganza with my girls. When I get home from work it can be tempting to put off the chores until the weekend. I’ve learned to distribute the boring bits throughout the week so that I can spend the weekend with my girls – lazy mornings, fun family days out and lots of cuddles.

Other Mum’s gave their own advice;

• Have a regular routine
  
• Plan your meals
  
• Focus on what you want to achieve day by day
  
• Make time for yourself
  
• Ask for help when you need it
  

Take a look at tips for working mums on the House of Fraser Blog for the full piece.

All things being equal

I have been back at work for nearly a week and life already seems to have settled back into a rhythm.  While I'm still mildly depressed about the fact that I'm back in the office 4 days a week and that means that Holly is in nursery for more days a week than she spend with me, being a working mum again does have its benefits.

The most obvious benefit is cash.  During maternity leave we had used up all of our readily-accessible savings and so wouldn't have been able to pay the mortgage without my salary (not that my salary adds an awful lot once you take nursery fees into account).

Then there is the fact that at work I am me.  I'm not a mummy; I'm a software engineer. And an awesome one at that.  It feels good to be defined by my work again, rather than by my ability to maintain Holly as the bubbly, happy bundle of fun that she is.

But the best benefit, at least in my eyes, is that I am once again an equal partner in my relationship with Mr. B.  It's weird how being a non-earner has such a profound effect on our relationship.  Both times that I have taken maternity leave I have felt like I've played second fiddle to Mr. B.  And this, despite the fact that the reason I'm taking the time off work is that I'm doing something that he could never do himself.  OK, so he could be a stay-at-home daddy but he wouldn't have been able to breastfeed for 7 months and I'm almost certain that he couldn't have stayed on top of life as a home-alone full-time parent as well as keeping the house clean and the books in order.

I should feel proud that I can do both things.  I am proud.  I can do the full-time mummy thing when I choose to, or need to. But I can work as well.  I am a woman of many talents!

But when I'm not earning, that means I'm not contributing cash to the family pot.  I know this shouldn't be a problem as I'm contributing just as much in other means... but it is.  

And I'm sure the reason is this...

When I'm working I work with my husband for the same department of the same company.  I do a very similar job to him and earn a similar salary (well, I would do if I worked 5 days a week).  When we get home in the evening we share the nursery run, we share the chores, we share the girls bedtimes by alternating nights,  we share the cooking (perhaps not as evenly as I'd wish) and when we finally collapse on the sofa at the end of the night we can work through our thoughts and dreams together, knowing that one another has had the same sort of day.  

If I have spent the day at home with one or both of the girls while Mr. B is at work then this balance and equality is totally absent and our days bear no resemblence to one another.

It feels nice to be able to share again and to once again be on an equal footing with Mr. B.

My Blue Monday

The Honeymoon is over. Blue Monday - theoretically the most depressing day of the entire year - seems a fitting day to be back at the office full-time. Maternity leave is over and I have the rest of eternity to look forward to in the office!

We dropped both girls off at nursery this morning. I took Lara and Mr. B. took Holly into their respective rooms. And that was that, the end of my time alone with Holly. I can't believe how quickly it has gone.

My day at work was uneventful. Blue Monday was definitely the right term for the mood in the office. Slow, chilly and still in a bit of a downer after Christmas. Next week brings a new project and who knows, a renewed vigour for life. Possibly.

It was nice to be welcomed back by lots of my colleagues and at least my boss did ring me to say hello but I will admit that the day dragged.

But how can anyone be miserable, even on Blue Monday, when they have this scrumptious smiling face to look forward to at the end of the day?

Settling In At Nursery

Next week Holly starts nursery 4 days a week.  Over the past week or so she has been doing a few settling in sessions to get used to the people and the environment.  It is going a lot better than I had expected.

I had been a bit worried that we had got our timing very wrong.  In the week or so before Christmas Holly went through a very clingy stage and started showing signs of separation anxiety; crying every time I left the room and always wanting to be cuddled.  Last week when I took her into nursery for the first time, I was prepared for disaster.

Thankfully, Holly surprised me.  By the time I had finished my paperwork Holly had made new friends and was happily playing in the sand tray and bossing other babies about.  She willingly took her bottle from a complete stranger and then got straight back to play.  She was doing so well that I decided to leave her to it and popped out for a cup of tea.  The second session was much the same.

Tomorrow Holly is going to nursery for tea which will be another new experience for her but I think she'll be just fine.  The only thing I now think she may struggle with is settling down for a nap when there are so many exciting things going on around her.

Seeing Holly so relaxed in her new surroundings with her keyworker and the other nursery staff made me so happy.  Lara spent her first year with a childminder which was a much more homely environment and this time around I had looked at what other options there were for Holly other than nursery but nothing really worked out.  I was tempted by the prospect of a nanny (two sets of nursery fees made this seem like a financially viable solution) or a childminder who might be able to still look after Lara after school later this year.  Thankfully I know and trust our nursery and I love it there so it doesn't really matter that the other options were all dead ends..  Lara has thrived and is sooooo happy there.

And now more than ever I know that choosing the right childcare for you and your children is such a personal decision and one which tests your parental instincts to the max.  Having spoken with an old friend last week whose little boy wasn't settling well at nursery I got the impression that she hadn't got THE feeling from the nursery.  As a parent you just KNOW.  Its a feeling somewhere deep down inside that you get when you know you've found the right place for your child.  You're happy, your child is happy and life is good to go.

From Breast to Bottle. The End of an Era

In less than a fortnight I will be going back to work, more or less full time and right from day one, I've planned the slow move from breastfeeding to bottle feeding in preparation for this time.  Unfortunately things never work out quite how you plan them and I stopped feeding Holly rather by surprise on Christmas Eve.

Holly has never had quite the same insatiable appetite as her older sister did and I had noticed that since she started eating solids, Holly had lost interest in her milk a bit.  She still drinks plenty of milk but she had dropped from 5 milk feeds down to just 3.

We first introduced Holly to a bottle when she was about 6 weeks old, just for convenience to allow family to feed her when I worked my KIT days and to give Mr. B. some bonding time with her.  It took a long time for Holly to accept a bottle because we only ever offered it occasionally.  In mid-November I permanently dropped one of Holly's afternoon feeds for a bottle and this caused her schedule to shift a bit as she was fuller in the late afternoon.

Another month later, I dropped her lunchtime feed and once again her schedule changed.  Then during mid-December we decided to try and stop Holly from waking in the night for a feed because she was waking out of habit and showing less interest in the breast and more interest in playing with my hair or fiddling with the side of the cot!  It was a tricky couple of weeks but now she doesn't cry for milk any more.  She still wakes (LOTS of times) during the night but this is normally related to teething or the fact that she is so mobile now that she wakes herself up by banging her head on the cot!

I hadn't planned to drop the last breast feed until this week but in the couple of days before Christmas Holly was really unsettled with her teething pains and was sleeping during the day when she would normally feed.  For two days in a row she skipped her morning feed (the only one I was still doing by breast) and I had to try and top her up later in the day.

On Christmas Eve Holly was back to herself and wanted a feed in the morning but when she took to the breast she got very angry - there was no milk there.  It surprised me how quickly my milk supply changed, two days of a different schedule and my body had shut down.

At the time I felt a bit miserable because I had hoped to feed Holly right up until she started nursery but I think it was a mixed blessing.  Christmas was spent not worrying about my alcohol levels (!) and wearing clothes without boob access!  I've packed away all my nursing tops and rediscovered my old wardrobe.

And when I look back on the past 8 months I can feel good that I've given Holly a great start in life and I've even managed to breastfeed for ever so slightly longer than I did with Lara.

The Back-to-Work Jitters

I'm getting the back to work jitters. Maternity leave is coming to an end sooner than I want to admit. SIGH.

I have already notified work that I intend to return to work in January after just 8 months of my maternity leave and with every day that passes I am becoming more and more aware that January is just around the corner. The days are slipping away faster and faster. Before I know it, Holly will be in nursery 4 days a week and I will be back to the grindstone. ANOTHER SIGH.

The cash flow is running dry and without some major life changes, I don't have much choice but to return to work in the New Year. I loved my job. I guess I still do. I have been "keeping in touch" with my team and my manager and regularly refreshing my skills (which is vital in the fast-moving world of technology) but it is hard to get enthusiastic about work right now.

Every day I look at Holly and it does make me question whether going back to work is the right decision. I love her to bits and each time I go through this mental turmoil a tear nearly makes it to my eye. I give her a big kiss on the top of her head and remind myself that I went through exactly the same feelings with my now 3-and-a-half-year-old girl. I remind myself that actually, once I was back at work, it didn't feel weird at all and that my daughters will get opportunities for fun, learning and social skills that I could (or is that would?) never offer them as a SAHM.

So now I am cramming in as many activities as possible into my last couple of months of maternity leave. Baby yoga, baby music lessons, coffee mornings, walks in the park, messy play, cookery and fun days out with both of my girls to make the most of our days together. Maternity leave is certainly a very different way of life to my "normal" working days.

But, as we enjoy each day I can't help feeling that there is a great big ticking clock lurking behind me counting down to my return to work after maternity leave. GREAT BIG SIGH.

I want life to slow down

I want life to slow down.  I NEED life to slow down.  I can't believe how quickly Holly is growing up; she isn't a tiny newborn any more and that scares me.  Before I know it, my maternity leave will be over and I will be back at work.

Last Friday I worked.  Actual proper in-the-office work.  I'll admit that it felt good and not only because it gave me a whole day away from the constant barrage of conversation that is Lara.  I felt like I achieved something - it was a very productive day and it felt a bit like life was normal again.  As normal as it ever can be after becoming a parent.  Friday was one of my KIT (keeping in touch) days.  I don't intend to return to work full time until into the new year but I genuinely do want to keep in touch.

Friday did also highlight to me how far down the line of maternity leave I really am.  Holly is 15 weeks old today.  She is beginning to lose her dependence on me and enjoys other people's company a lot.  I am still breastfeeding her but she does know how to take a bottle (if still somewhat grudingly) and delights in the company of both sets of grandparents which is handy for when I need a babysitter!  Before I know it, Holly will be weaning, crawling, talking, walking, telling me off for not singing the right words to her favourite songs.  Sigh, her life seems to be rushing by and I can't catch up.

Holly is growing quickly.  She is still nowhere near as big as her older sister ever was, but after feeding like a baby possessed during our holiday, she has now moved out of all her 0-3 month clothes and is definitely now into 3-6 month ones (or bigger if she is wearing a particularly bulky reusable nappy).  Holly has character now - she is a little monkey and I enjoy playing with her.  I'm aware that when Lara is at home Holly doesn't get quite as much playing, reading or singing as I want to give her, but on days when it is just the two of us, we have a lot of fun together.

I don't want this fun to end.  I'm enjoying myself.  I love going to meet other mummies, visiting my family during the day, chilling out with Holly in the garden and taking sneaky naps in the afternoon.  I don't want this to end.

But...On the other hand, I do want to go back to work.  You know me, I love what I do (and I need the money).

It's a funny old thing - The conundrum of the working mum.

For the time being, I just want life to slow down so that I can enjoy every single moment of my maternity leave with Holly.

Returning To Work After Maternity Leave - Benefits to part time work?

After my surprisingly controversial Yahoo article a couple of weeks ago about the financial challenges of returning to work after maternity leave, I've been in contact with www.workingmums.co.uk who list part-time opportunities for mums looking for a flexible return to work. Below is a guest post from workingmums.co.uk that seemed particularly topical given my recent outburst!

For many mums the most difficult decision after they have given birth is whether they are going back to work or not. For many it is not a choice - they simply cannot afford to stay at home but the guilt and difficulty in leaving their child is still there. That is why many mums return to work on a part time basis, but do the benefits of working part time outweigh the costs?

Of course the main benefit of working part time is the fact you still get to spend time with your family. You know you are only in work for a short week so the guilt of leaving your child with family or a child minder is lessened and you also don’t have that nagging feeling that you are going to miss out on your child’s milestones such as their first steps or words. Part time work also means you are able to keep your career and be in a position to go for promotions and advance your work life.

Many mums go back to work full time once their children are older so working part time while they are small helps with this transition and allows you to keep your skills up to date and your ‘hand in’ so to speak.

There are of course many concerns for part time workers, the main one is some employers put pressure on their part time workers so they feel they have to put in the effort and hours of a full time position while getting half the salary. Many part time mums find themselves put in a lot of overtime. Because of this it is important to establish clear boundaries between your work and home life while still letting your employer know you want to be involved in any important decision that are taking place in the office.

The cost of childcare is another issue faced by both full time and part time working mums. Often mums find the cost of childcare is more than they earn so it is important to consider this carefully before making decisions. If you would like any more information on part time work then you can visit www.workingmums.co.uk today.

My Working Mum Resolutions - 6 Months On

Wow! I can't believe that six months have passed already since I returned to work after maternity leave. It seems like an appropriate time to once again re-evaluate my Working Mum Resolutions.

1. Don't Offer My Time For Free
   I have found it incredibly easy to switch off at exactly 5.30pm. I have rarely, perhaps only once, switched on my laptop out of working hours. I don't feel any less productive than I was pre-Lara and and I don't feel any guilt. Things feel RIGHT.



2. Don't Take Work Home
   Well, I have a laptop now (through no choice of my own). But, surprisingly, it hasn't made me any more likely to work from home. I'm doing well at this one!





3. Make Thursdays Fundays!
   Oh Lara and I get up to all sorts of fun on Thursdays now. Lara gets to go to parks and playgrounds and playgroups on her days with the childminders so I like to do something a little more adventurous on a Thursday. Recently, as well as swimming, we have been into London for the Christmas press previews, and we have visited Legoland and Marwell Zoo.



4. Make the Most of Weekends
   Weekends are busy. Sometimes I long for a weekend which isn't packed full of fun stuff. Of visits to grandparents. Of day trips. OK, maybe I don't! It means that my weekday evenings involve a little more cleaning and admin than I'd wish, but at least we have time to be a family together at the weekend.



5. Keep On Blogging
   I'm doing a good job, right?



6. Feed The Family Well
   We've had a few too many takeaways recently (Lara doesn't get takeaway – she gets ready-made food). But, in general, I feel that we're managing well to provide Lara with great home-cooked food for lunch and dinner. Sometimes I get back from work and feel too tired to start cooking and on those days I am thankful for freezers and takeaways.





7. Make Time For 'Us'
   Mr B. and I spend quite a lot of time together as a couple. We are very lucky to have lots of family living within a sensible drive from us so Lara can spend nights and days with her aunties and grandparents if we need a bit of time to ourselves (or if we want to go out for a posh meal in London). I sometimes feel a little cheated in the evenings if Lara has had a late night – I feel like I can't be a grown up until Lara has gone to bed. Now that we have introduced a formal bedtime (8.30), this feeling may fade.



8. Stay in Touch With Mummies
   I recently blogged about how hard I am finding it to stay in touch with my real-life mummy friends. I'm trying not to crawl back into my all-male world!



9. Keep Healthy
   Hmmm. The aforementioned takeaways aren't contributing much to the healthiness, are they? I did manage to shift that baby weight but nothing much more. Ah well – Must Try Harder.

Crawling Back Into My All-Male World

Back in January when I wrote my 'Working Mum Resolutions', I promised myself that I wouldn't crawl back into my all-male world. I'm struggling to keep that promise even though I thought I'd done enough to ensure I made time for mummies!

I work in a department where 95% of the staff are male, possibly more. They're a great group of blokes (and because most of them are daddies, many of them are Mellow Mummy readers); I even socialise with some of them. I like living in an all-male world and have always been more comfortable in male company than female so I wouldn't change it for the world.

But sometimes, just sometimes, I crave a little bit of female company... even if it is just so that I can talk about mummy-related things without people switching off.

When I started maternity leave, and after Lara was born, I made a number of mummy friends. NCT ladies, neighbours, sister-in-laws and mums from swimming classes, music classes and baby clinic. It felt good to have a different type of person to talk to, to spend time with, to enjoy a coffee with. I made the most of my maternity leave with walks in the park, car-shares to exciting places and shared an occasional email rant.

At 7 months, I went back to work a lot earlier than most of the other mummies I knew. I reserved my one day off a week for doing fun things with Lara and quite often this involved visiting the other mums and their babies. I thought I was doing a really good job of keeping in touch.

Then, about 2 months ago, other people started returning to work and now the opportunities for female company are few and far between. None of the other mums from our swimming class renewed for this term (which means Lara is swimming with 18-24 month olds which is actually quite cool). I do still get the chance to go for an occasional evening meal and I have a couple of NCT meet ups planned; but in general, I've gone back to my pre-baby friends and colleagues. It seems a shame to have reverted back to exactly how things were before.

There is a glimmer of hope on the horizon. The inter-web! Next month I will be meeting up with lots of my online bloggy friends at the Cybermummy conference. The idea of a whole day with 100 or so other women (and a handful of men) is actually slightly terrifying to me! And then, in September I will be meeting some more of them at the MADs award ceremony. Currently, the only females I regularly keep in contact with are family and the amazing group of online mummies to be found on twitter, in the blogsphere and on forums. I'm sure they'll turn out to be a great group of mummies but I could do with some real female friends too, not just virtual ones!

What Time Is Bedtime?

What time do you send your kids to bed? What time do you go to bed? How has your bedtime changed since becoming a parent?

In recent weeks I have noticed myself still up and about as midnight approaches. This time last year that would have been unheard of. Before becoming a mummy, I would normally be in bed before 10pm and asleep soon after that but now my daily schedule has changed; If I went to bed that early, I wouldn't get any time to myself.

For a 10-month old, I believe Lara goes to bed quite late – usually sometime between 8.30 and 9.30pm but regularly as late at 10.30pm. I don't enforce a bedtime, we just follow her lead and let her wear herself out (thus ensuring an uninterrupted night for us!). As she gets older, we may look to try and change that pattern but currently is suits us just fine.



On a weekday, we normally get home from work/childminders shortly after 6pm. We get a little bit of chill out time with Lara to ourselves both before and after dinner. I don't feel any rush to get Lara into bed – I enjoy the short amount of time we get with her on a weekday and would probably reconsider my choice to go back to work if she fell asleep immediately after her evening meal.

After Lara goes to sleep, myself and Mr. B. get some time to ourselves. This is the time when we can be grown ups, watch grown-up TV, talk about grown-up stuff, drink grown-up drinks and enjoy each other's company! Sometimes the need for grown-up time is so great that we can find ourselves still up and about far later than we had planned (and much too late for a 'school' night!).

I'm sure our schedule will change over the years, but right now I think it's perfect.

The Job Interview – Mum versus Geek

Being a parent is one of the most demanding jobs in the world but no-one ever interviews you for the position, no-one checks to see if you are well qualified, or what you can bring to the role. There are two Emmas:- The software developer who has blagged her way though many a job interview, and the Mummy who takes life as it comes.

Choosing prompt 1 from this week's writing workship at Sleep Is For The Weak, I thought it would be interesting to see how the two Emmas would differ in an interview situation!

What made you apply for this job, and why do you want it?
Techy Emma: I'm looking for a more hands-on technical role where I can really show off my technical skills. The time is right for me to move up into a team-leadership position and my heart had always been set on working in the financial services industry. The company is local to me which not only means I don't have to trek in and out of London on the train any more, but means I can afford to spend more time in the office while still having plenty of time in the evenings to spend with my family.
Mummy Emma: I'm 30, Life is good. I've achieved lots of the things I had planned to in life and I'm settled and comfortable. All of these things mean that right now, I have the resources and dedication to bring up and support a family. The time is right. Oh, plus I'm longing for a bit of female company and this seemed like a good excuse.

What qualities do you think you can add to this role?
Techy Emma: I'm something out of the ordinary when it comes to being a coder (not just for the fact that I'm a woman, and in my experience, that's still pretty rare); but also that I have come from a non-technical background. With a history in marketing and creative media I think I bring a creative, less-analytical approach to software development that some development departments currently lack.
Mummy Emma: I can bring a can-do attitude, a slightly less girly approach to motherhood and a great range of silly songs to sing (inherited from my mother and grandmother).

What's your greatest strength?
Techy Emma: I'm über-organised! I pride myself on having never missed a deadline and I feel that my ability to multi-task and my methodical, orderly approach to tasks has contributed to this.
Mummy Emma: I'm Mellow! By that I mean that I have confidence in my Mummying skills. I have belief in my own ability to cope with a wiggly and cheeky baby, with stinky nappies, illness, tantrums and whatever other fun things Lara has to offer. I feel that my confidence rubs off on my daughter meaning that she takes new challenges in her stride, resulting in a generally cheerful, energetic and sociable little girl.

What's your biggest weakness?
Techy Emma: A lack of confidence in my own technical ability means that I often look for the easier, less invasive solution to a problem when the tougher option is really the best way to go.
Mummy Emma: Sometimes I feel that my mellow-ness is actually a bad thing for Lara. Perhaps her colds and her eczema wouldn't be as bad if I worried more about her health. Perhaps she would be crawling by now if I worried more about her mobility. I try not to get myself hung up on these things.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years time?
Techy Emma: In a leadership role, perhaps something more organisational than hands-on techy but I don't want to lose all involvement with software development.
Mummy Emma: In a big house with a big garden full of home-grown veg that my children (plural) help me to tend (and eat).

Parental Leave – Are Your Rights Enough?

This week we experienced our first childcare 'issue'. Lara has been ill this week with a contagious eye infection. As such, we couldn't send her to Childminder #1 on Wednesday. This presented us with a problem that wasn't easy to solve and which inspired me to research my rights as a working parent – I was little disappointed.

Presented with the choice of (a) Mellow Mummy takes a day out of her holiday entitlement at short notice, seriously pissing off her project manager or (b) Mellow Daddy takes a day out of his holiday entitlement at short notice, seriously pissing of his project manager (who happens to be the same person as in a!); we started to explore our other options. I had heard an inkling that as a working parent, we were both entitled to (unpaid) time off work to care for your child so we looked it up on the DirectGov website.

You may not know that most working parents are entitled to 13 weeks leave (a maximum of 4 weeks each year) between the birth and the fifth birthday of their child. The time off is unpaid (boo) but it is in addition to your maternity or paternity leave and does not effect your annual holiday allowance. The government claim that the purpose of the unpaid leave is to, among other things:- help you care for your child if they are ill, allow you to help them spend more time with their family or to help find them a school or a childcare provider. I had rather imagined that I would qualify under the first point... I did not.

The caveat is that you must take your parental leave in full week blocks, and that you must give at least 21 days notice. So, next time Lara is going to be ill, I had best make sure that she is really ill so that it merits a whole week off work... and that she warns me a month in advance. How bonkers is that?

I'm surprised to find out that there is no government guidance on how employers should support employees if they need to take a small amount of time off work at short notice to care for their children. I can picture scenarios where this could cause a lot of aggravation for employers and employees alike.

Thankfully, we have a set of very friendly family members who were falling over themselves to look after Lara so in the end, neither of us needed to sacrifice a day of holiday. This week I swapped my day off work so that I could be with my little girl on the day when she was most unwell, ensuring that on the day when she did need to stay with her Auntie, she was a little healthier, and a little more cheerful. Things worked out for us, but it made me worry about how other people cope in a similar situation. What happens, when our normal childcare provider is not an option, to those of us whose employers aren't so understanding and to those whose family don't live locally, or perhaps who can't or won't look after their children under these exceptional circumstances?

I'd be interested to know what others do in this situation? Have any of you ever actually used your Parental Leave entitlement? What did you have/choose to use it for? How did it work out for you? Were your employers sympathetic? Let me know your thoughts.

An Email From Mummy - How're things going with the childminders?

---

From:mummy@work.com
To:lara@childminder.co.uk
Subject:How are things going with the childminders?

---

Dear Lara,

How have you enjoyed your first real week with your childminders? Last week you only got to spend one day with one of them, and two with your naughty Auntie so I guess this week has been very different for you with two whole days spent with each of your new carers.

Do you miss Mummy and Daddy when we leave you and head off to work for the day? Or do you have so much fun playing with the older children and seeing new faces and places that you forget about us?

You're such a lucky girl to have so many new friends of different ages to walk to and from school with in the mornings and afternoons - it'll be a few years yet before Mummy has to do a school run! And (not that I'm jealous of your social life or anything) you are very lucky to get to go out and do exciting things like meeting lots of other babies at the toddler group or going to the playground to watch the older children play in the cold - these are things you rarely got to do when I was at home with you.

I've heard that you have had lots of trouble with your teeth this week. Poor you. But, thank you for making the childminder's lives hellish, rather than mine! ehehehe.

I know that the format of your day is a bit different to what you had been used to recently. It's not that surprising really because Mummy never had to go out in the afternoon to pick children up from school. I'm sure you'll get used to it very soon because you're mellow about these things, like me. Plus, it'll do you good to have different schedules with different people on different days of the week - it means you won't get stuck in a rut and that you'll be more flexible to change. Cool.

I just wanted to say a massive thank you for the cheeky smile of recognition that you give us each evening when you notice us as we come to pick you up from the childminder. It really makes my day. Whatever you're doing (whether its violently throwing toys about, clinging on to your childminder, or sitting up at the dinner table with the big girls), when you hear our voices you turn your head towards us, your eyes twinkle, and slowly your face transforms; that wonderful, unique smile that you save for just that moment creeps across your face. It almost makes it worth leaving you for a whole day just to see that smile!

I hope that you are enjoying your new way of life with the childminders but I also hope you'll enjoy your Mummy-days just as much.

Love you loads

Mummy x

One Week Down...

Image: djcodrin / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I had intended this blog post to be a summary of what it feels to have been back at work as a new working mum but it has been a bit of a funny week and I'm not sure I can really tell you!

Monday was about as normal a working day as you can get. We had to get up outrageously early (Lara has always been very good at lie ins), had a mad rush to get ourselves clean, fed and presentable... then even more of a rush to get Lara clean, fed and presentable. As my hubbie packed all the bags of baby gubbins into the car, I had a slightly emotional moment – but you know me, I wouldn't possibly get weepy and emotional about these things, would I?

We dropped Lara off with her childminder (No. 1) at 8.30 and then spent an hour in a traffic jam on a journey that should have taken 10 minutes. As I walked back into the office, it was (as many people told me it would be) just like I had never been away. I picked up exactly where I had left off last May... even working on exactly the same project. Thrilling.

On Tuesday (and today), Lara spent the day with one of her doting Aunties because childminder No. 2 was on holiday. Lots of people worry about choosing a childminder over a nursery because there is no-one to cover when the childminder can't provide care; but my two-childminder arrangement, with the backup of lots of willing relatives means that I will hopefully never have a problem. Somehow, sending Lara to spend a day with a relative doesn't really feel like leaving her... it feels very different... as if actually I'm doing them a favour, rather than them helping me out for the day.

If I had needed anything to support my decision to send Lara to a childminder over sending her to a relative for full-time care, then I got it this week! At 7 months old, she was treated to her first ever Macdonalds drive-thru! Special Aunties are for spoiling you with special treats, not for boring, every-day childcare!

On Wednesday I couldn't get to work! Having spent an hour in the car we had to abandon it about quarter of a mile away from home. We trekked back home in the snow – Lara thought it was great fun and giggled all the way! While the other half spent the day working from home of the laptop, I entertained Lara. Even after just two days away from her it seemed like awfully hard work looking after her demands all day!

Thursday saw the start of a new term of swimming lessons. Lara, as always, loved every minute of it – she'll be swimming lengths before I know it! Much of my day was spent either pushing other people's cars out of the snow, or being pushed out of the snow myself.

Today I had to really knuckle down to work. I know that there was nothing I could do about the snow on Wednesday, but I did feel weirdly guilty about not having been able to work, especially as it meant I missed my first deadline this afternoon. In the past, I would have stayed late to get the work complete but my 'back to work resolutions' mean that I simply can't do that any more and I'm hoping that the guys at work understand that.

So really, it hasn't been a particularly representative week. I can tell you now that when I'm at work I don't miss Lara per se – I'm too busy working. There are times when I feel so comfortable doing my work, so relaxed back into the rhythm of things that in fact, it feels like the last 7 months never happened! But then, when I read my twitter feed, receive a blog comment, or receive a MMS with a picture of my sleepy little girl, I remember that I'm not just a programmer now... I'm a mummy. I can officially multi-task!

The Right Time To Give Up Breastfeeding?

This week I have made the big decision to give up breastfeeding Lara. That it has coincided with my return to work was not the plan, it just kinda happened.

It has been fun – I'd highly recommend it. I'm not a breastfeeding evangelist, but I do feel that every mum who can, should give it a try. If it works for you and your baby then it's a wonderful bonding experience, considerably less labour-intensive than bottle feeding, less expensive and biologically, its the most natural way to go. I think I was one of the lucky mums to whom it came naturally; other than that first emotional week, there have been no real problems.

Photo courtesy of 007 Breasts

I breast fed Lara exclusively for 3 months and since then I have been slowly replacing the feeds with bottles in preparation for my return to work. In truth, I had hoped to start the process a little later but I found that I couldn't keep up with Lara's demands – ever since she was born, she's had an appetite to rival most adults and now she is on three full meals a day, I still find myself surprised at how much she can put away.

The plan had been to continue breastfeeding Lara first thing in the morning even after I had gone back to work. I know there are mums out there who manage to continue exclusively breastfeeding (or at least offering breast milk) once they return to work but for me, I just couldn't imagine sitting in a darkened room (in an office full of male programmers) with my breast pump. My childminder arrangement doesn't really allow for me to pop back for a quick feed several times a day. Being able to leave bottles of formula for my childminders means that I'm relaxed and can stay mellow.

Photo courtesy of 007 Breasts

For the past month or so, Lara and I had settled into a rhythm of one breast feed, two bottles and three solid meals a day. Even when Lara got her first teeth in December, we managed to carry on. But, over the last fortnight I had noticed that my little girl had begun to lose interest in her morning feed and then towards the middle of last week she developed a really evil habit! She would lift her head slightly when feeding, make eye contact with me, smile (very cheekily) and then CHOMP, right down on the nipple!

I persevered for a couple of days but then I began to recognise that cheeky grin and decided at the weekend that enough was enough! Its a difficult decision and one that only I could make. I don't feel guilty about it , perhaps just a little disappointed in myself, that I didn't manage to keep her interested. I am, however, proud that I made it this far.

My 'Working Mum' Resolutions

Time's up. I am back to work on Monday after nearly 7 months of maternity leave. I'm determined to make the 'working mum' thing work for me and Lara so I've made myself some promises that I'm going to try to stick to... they're a bit like New Year's resolutions!

1. Don't Offer My Time For Free
   I'm not a "career woman" but I enjoy what I do (I'm a code monkey, I write financial software... its not thrilling, but I'm good at it) and at work (and pretty much nowhere else), I am a perfectionist. In the past I would have stayed in the office much longer than the 9-5.30 they pay me for just to make sure that things are ship shape. From now on, I'm going to have to stick much more closely to my hours; not only because I can't afford to mess the childminders around, but also because from now on, evenings are going to be sacred... my Lara time!
   



2. Don't Take Work Home
   If I'm leaving the office on time, I know the temptation (and perhaps the expectation) to bring a laptop home will haunt me. I shall resist as long as possible. Its not fair on Lara if her Mum and Dad spend all evening working.
   



3. Make Thursdays Fundays!
   Thursday is my one day of the week when it'll be just me and Lara. Ooooh, the possibilities! I promise not to spend it in front of the television, but I also promise not to jam pack it full of activities... I want to spend some time just chilling out with my little girl. We have swimming lessons booked and who knows what else we shall get up to – I shall keep you posted.
   
   
   



4. Make the Most of Weekends
   In the past, weekends were for (a) getting drunk, (b) doing the housework, (c) doing the shopping & other admin and (d) vegging out in front of the TV. I think we should try and make sure that B and C get done at other times in the week, reduce D and instead, make sure that we get out and about and spend some fun family time together. I shall reserve judgement on A.
   



5. Keep On Blogging
   I've really enjoyed the past couple of months in the blogosphere and don't want to give it up. If I find the time, I shall write! I'm going to try and do one ramble, one review and a picture during the week and provide a couple of comments every day on all of the other lovely blogs out there... what are lunchbreaks for, huh?
   



6. Feed The Family Well
   I WILL find time to make scrumptious home cooked food for us all! Lara is pretty much eating what we eat now, just with less salt and sugar and generally in a more mashed form than us; so things shouldn't be too difficult. I'm on a mission to keep at it and not to revert to packets, tubs and processed food (and to takeaways on a Friday night)!
   



7. Make Time For 'Us'
   I work with my husband. It has its highlights... While I've been on maternity leave, I have missed our quiet walks (and rants) at lunchtime and our chats in the car to and from work. That said, I don't want our work time to be our only time being 'Mr. & Mrs. B' rather than 'Mummy & Daddy'. I intend to find time, every so often, when we can escape the munchkin and enjoy being a couple together.
   



8. Stay in Touch With Mummies
   In my line of work, my path rarely crosses that of any females! I work in a male-dominated industry and in general my friends, even since college, have all been guys. Since the summer I've made some great female mummy friends both online and in person; it would be sad for me to crawl back into my male-only world. I hope to keep in touch with as many mummies as possible.
   



9. Keep Healthy
   I'm well aware that my gym membership is going to be underused once I go back to work. Once I've picked Lara up from the childminders, fed her, fed myself and the OH and spent some quality time with the family, there is not going to be much time left for swimming or gyming. But if I can get out at lunchtime for a walk instead of eating lunch at my desk then that's better than nothing. Also, I WILL NOT succumb to the temptation of unlimited free cans of diet coke from the machine in the kitchen at work... well, maybe on a Friday.

If you can think of any other things I should be wary of, let me know with a comment below. Wish me luck!

The Last Week Of Maternity Leave

So this is it. It is 7 months since I started my maternity leave – my, how that has flown by! Next Monday I return to work for 4 days a week.

I won't go as far as to say that I am 'looking forward' to my return to work, but somehow it just feels right. I knew it would... new year, new routine. I knew a few weeks ago when I suddenly realised that there was no way I could face daytime TV any more. I knew when Lara started eating a full 3 meals a day, and I knew when she started to lose interest in her only remaining breast feed of the day that she was ready to move to a childminder. I knew when people started mentioning to me that Lara seemed very good at entertaining herself for long periods of time. She doesn't need me 24/7 any more; friends, relatives and childminders are just as fun, and just as helpful (but nobody's silly hair makes her laugh so much, so that's OK).

This week Lara is spending 2 mornings with each of her 2 childminders. Mr B. is back at work so life feels a bit empty.

Anyway, the fact of the matter is that this time next week I will be back at work and will no longer get to spend all day every day with my munchkin, and I'll no longer have the freedom to make coffee dates and go on mummy walks whenever it suits me. My question to you is... how do I make the most of the next 4 days? Bargain Hunt & Twitter don't seem like the best use of my time now, do they?

My Childcare Conundrum - How I Chose a Childminder (or two)

I return to work from maternity leave in six weeks time. I can't believe how quickly the last five months have disappeared. Back in June, when I left work, it seemed like a lifetime away but all too soon I had to start looking for childcare, ready for my return to work in the new year. As the name of my blog suggests, I'm pretty calm when it comes to being a mummy, but I can honestly say that the search for childcare for my little girl has been the most stressful part of motherhood so far – there have been late nights, tears and tantrums. But now, thankfully, I think I have finally found a placement with two childminders, an arrangement that really works for me and for my daughter.

I guess it doesn't help that the hubbie and I completely changed our minds about what type of childcare we were looking for. We had always thought that we wanted to send our little girl to nursery from 7 months because she'd benefit from being around other babies and for having some structure to her day. We visited 5 nurseries which I had chose from the OFSTED website (http://www.ofsted.gov.uk/oxcare_providers/list) based on location and on their latest OFSTED reports. None of them wowed us. They were fine, nothing more, nothing less and I failed to get excited about them. Back in July/August we put our names down on two waiting lists and sat back to do just that.... wait.

During the summer, my path crossed that of a local childminder (I happened to offer her some stuff to through Freegle); she was a lovely woman with an OFSTED grade of 'outstanding' who, despite not having any vacancies, invited me round for a cuppa to tell me all about the benefits of using a childminder. In that one afternoon, I was a convert. I felt I could have left Lara with her there and then!

In October, I started trying to find a childminder of a similar calibre to the first lady I had met. Its hard to find out a childminder's current OFSTED grading without first contacting them. Childminders aren't listed by name on the OFSTED website, only by their registration number. The information that each childminder publishes about themselves in the material that local councils or vacancy websites provide is often vague and rarely includes their OFSTED number. For me, I decided the best approach was to contact them, decide whether I liked them, and then to go back and find out whether OFSTED agreed. Most of the women I met were graded 'good'. Not surprisingly, the 'outstanding' childminders rarely have vacancies... and when they do, they go extremely quickly.

I suspect I had been a little bit spoiled by meeting such a well-respected, accomplished childminder at the beginning of my journey because many of the childminders I have since been on to meet have been so far away from my ideal that it gives me the shivers just thinking about it...

• … the geezer mum whose teenage daughter and granddaughter lounged on the sofa all day with the kids in front of TV (I didn't spot a single book in the house).


• … the woman in the hand-knitted cardi and crimpline trousers, sent from GOD who expressed no interest in my daughter, and seemed more interested in reminding me how unfortunate she was to be a single mum.


• … the desperate woman whose house was a building site (and it didn't look like the DIY would be complete any time soon) who had a huuuuuge dog who was able to jump as high as me!


• … the ancient woman whose house was packed full of delicate ornaments, was heated to at least 40 degrees centigrade and into whose living room was squeezed the largest TV I've ever set eyes on (actually, that's probably what was heating the house up, come to think of it).

In total, I contacted 41 different childminders in two different regions (close to work vs. close to home). I visited 10 of them. After eliminating all of the women who couldn't do the days or hours I needed, and rejecting any who were clearly round the bend; I finally found the woman I KNEW deep down was right for my little girl. I think you just KNOW the minute you meet someone, or step into a premises, be it a nursery or someone else's house, that this is it... the one you've been looking for.

The childminder I chose, couldn't work on a Friday. It was regrettable, but I figured that if I had found the right person, then I could explore other options for that one day a week even though I really really didn't want to get involved with the complications of family members babysitting. I still had one lady to visit so didn't sign on the dotted line there and then (although from previous experiences where I had got home from a visit to find an email saying the place had now been taken, I had been sorely tempted). That weekend I received a panicked call from the childminder saying she didn't think she could take the job; that she was struggling with the school run and didn't think that she'd be able to cope with a small baby in tow. I was gutted. I got very emotional. Then I chilled out; after all, there's no point in sending your child to a minder who can't keep them safe 100% of the time, or who can't offer them all the attention they need.

Co-incidentally, the same day, I was offered a place at one of the two nurseries I had signed up to way back in the summer. The place they offered me was for the wrong days of the week and they seemed a bit taken aback when I turned them down, saying I couldn't and wouldn't change the one day of the week that I take off work. Bonkers.

By this point I was getting a bit desperate. Thoughts did cross my mind about postponing my return to work. I stuck it out though and visited the last childminder on my list - she was also lovely, but also couldn't work all of the days that I needed. She proposed a job share... and do you know who she suggested she could do it with? Yup, the lady I had previously set my heart on. The two ladies live very close and had been chatting at the school gates. Between them they worked out that they could provide me all the days I was looking for and that at two days per week each, neither of them would get too stressed with having to handle a small baby as well as their other children.

So that's it, I've got an arrangement for the new year which works out wonderfully. My little girl will spend two days a week with two different childminders from two very different backgrounds; she'll get to mix with two different families, two different groups of children, two different approaches to childminding. And the best thing (and I know this sounds silly of me) - neither childminder gets to spend more days of the week with my little girl than I do! Genius.

The lessons I've learned on my travels? Start early, explore all your options, choose what's right for you, and keep at it – something will come along eventually. Also, don't be distracted by the OFSTED ratings, they aren't always up to date and can't give you a good idea of whether the childminder or nursery is right for you – nothing can compare to meeting a person face-to-face. I've checked both of my ladies out since signing my contracts just to make sure that OFSTED generally agree with my judgement, and I'm happy that there are no niggly things they noticed that I didn't pick up on. I'll update you in the new year with how things go.

If you're on the hunt for childcare yourself, the best place to start is your local authority childrens information centre who should be able to provide you with a list of child carers who may or may not have vacancies. You can also try http://www.findababysitter.com/ or http://www.childcare.co.uk/ .