Mellow Mummy: It's Not Just About The Neighbours : Taking life as it comes...

Wednesday 14 April 2010

It's Not Just About The Neighbours

Last week I told you about how we are starting the not-so-mellow process of putting our house on the market. I have been thinking a lot about the things I'll miss about this house, our first house together... and the things I most certainly will not. I won't go as far as to say that the neighbours are the ONLY reason why we are planning on moving, but they are certainly a contributing factor. I hope they won't scupper our chances of a good sale.

As a child, when we moved house, I wrote a letter to the future owners of the house and hid it inside the central-heating vent. For this week's writing workshop I I have penned a letter to the future owner of my current house, but I probably won't secrete it this time...

Dear Homeowner,

I'll apologise now on behalf of the neighbours (I know they won't apologise on their own behalf). I'm sorry for the lack of privacy caused by the naked smoking man who stares straight into the living room as he drags slowly on his cigarette before flicking the remains out of the window and disappearing into his naked world. I'm sorry for the racket made by the hundreds (it feels like hundreds) of kids who spend their entire school holidays camping in the tiny flat behind you with their elderly grandfather – they may be just about the most unpleasant people I have ever come across. I'm sorry for the randomness of the old lady across the path who likes to set fire to her living room quite regularly. And finally, I really can't apologise enough for the noisy family across the way whose taste in music (Celine Dion and T'Pau turned up to the max) you will have to endure, whose arguments you will feel like you are part of, whose noisy and offensive children you will grow to hate, whose lights are bright enough to light up your own house all night long ( I recommend a pair of blackout curtains) and who feel it necessary to pressure-wash the public footpath outside their house for several hours every weekend. I'm sorry. Rant over.

I hope you like what we've done with the place. Actually, you're probably very unimpressed, that's the way these things go. Feel free to paint over our choice of wall decoration and replace the carpets and, if you really must, rip out the kitchen and the bathroom on which we spent so much money to make 'ours'. Just remember, when you are decorating, to always expect the unexpected – when we started decorating we found doors, and even windows that we had never anticipated!

I know that the back garden is a dump and that it is full of footballs, tennis balls, beach balls and golf balls; you can blame the skanky neighbours for that. On the other hand, the herb garden at the front of the house, now that I shall really miss – I hope you make the most of it. In case you don't know, there is barely anything out there that you can't eat – and the herbs you can't, you can turn into home remedies!

Congratulations on choosing a house that is extremely convenient for all sorts of places and services. I bet I'll never again live in a house quite so close to the nearest vet/ doctor/ dentist/ corner shop/ supermarket/ school/ bus-stop/ train station/ park/ takeaway/ leisure centre/ swimming pool (wow, I hadn't realised the list was so long until I wrote it!)

I hope you enjoy living in this house – treat it well!

Emma. xx

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